It feels so great to be home.  I always feel better when I’m here.  I wish I could stay longer.  I think I need to tell my dad how I’ve been feeling, but I’m nervous.. He seemed crabby tonight; he’s probably just stressed.   The thing I don’t understand about myself is that I keep wanting to change all of these things about myself, but I never make it happen.  It seems like such a simple thing, but it’s so hard for me for some reason.  I don’t know what to do to make all of these changes happen in my life.  I want it so bad, but I just get easily dissappointed and then get discouraged and it all starts again. 

There’s so many decisions I have to make too.  For instance, where I want to live next year.  The police chief in my town knows my dad and said his daughter’s house in St. Cloud is for rent next year.  I’d have to find three roommates, most likely random, and idk if I wanna do that.  The roommate I have now I do not like and what if that happens with three other ones?  ughhhh idfk I just need to talk this out with someone so I stop having so much anxiety and stress.

I was told that I should be happier, or at least act happier, today.  I didn’t even know how to respond.  For one of my friends to straight up tell me that, I must be getting worse.  Sure it’s true I’m not happy, but I’m usually good at hiding it.  I just used the excuse that I’m super sarcastic and people take it as me being unhappy.  But actually I’m just an emotional wreck and it’s getting harder for me to act like everything’s okay.  I haven’t talked to my mom since Christmas Day, that’s almost two months ago.  She hasn’t even tried to contact me, and I wasn’t the one who did something wrong.  And it’s just so horrible that Anne is the only one of my friends who knows what’s going on, and idk if she actually gives a shit or not.  I accidentally said to the guys that told me to be happier, “So is that why everyone loves Anne?  Because she’s fake as hell and “happy” all the time?  Sorry that I’m real and show how I’m actually feeling.”  Woops, hopefully she doesn’t found out I said that.  It’s true though.  I wish I could act happy all the time, but I just can’t.  I just don’t have it inside me anymore..  It’s been so long since I’ve actually been happy that I don’t even know what that would feel like anymore.  Something is seriously wrong with me.  I’m always tired, but can’t fall asleep at night cause my mind won’t shut off.  I’ve become superr introverted; worse than I usually am.  Only do enough school work to get by, slack at work, look forward to the weekend only so I can get drunk or high.  Ugh I’m so fucking sick of feeling this way.  When the hell is it just gonna go away?  I want to be happy so badly it hurts.  I might talk to my dad about this over the weekend, but what would the point even be?  There’s not really much he can do about it.  There’s not even anything I can do about it.  I keep writing the same shit like it’s supposed to change just by typing or writing it down.  It used to help, idk if it does anymore.  I gotta go work out and pretend like everything’s okay with Anne, then do homework, get ready, and go out and get trashed hopefully.  Cool life, bro.  Actually it’s pretty pathetic.

sick of the sadness.  the doubt. the never feeling good enough for anybody, including myself.  i miss him.. i know i shouldn’t, but i don’t think anyone has ever understood me as well as he used to.  he probably still knows me better than most people in my life.  it’s been 3 years.  get the fuck over it, right?  i thought i did, but then the feelings came back.  how can i have these feelings for someone i haven’t seen in so long?  it seems crazy, but it’s the truth.  i don’t care who knows or how other people feel about it.  i want him to make me happy like he used to.  i wanna argue and text all day everyday and cuddle and just love each other again.  i miss it so much.  everything has gone so downhill since i last talked to him, but i bet he would understand it all.  i know this is asking for so much, but maybe it’s possible for us to be happy and together again.  maybe..

I should’ve told you what you meant to me, but now I pay the price.

i want this relationship.  minus the part where she completely fucks him over

When I was growing up, I always thought that by the time I got to high school I’d figure out how to fit in with people.  Now, I’m graduated from high school and starting college in less than two months.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.  And I definitely don’t know who my true friends are. What do I do in this situation?  Try to mend friendships that will probably only last through the summer just so I can have a good time?  Or sit at home almost 24/7 and probably get even more depressed with how my life so far has turned out? How do I fix my life and turn it into something I want it to be?  Do I go back to church and start praying again?  Cause that never seemed to work before.  Do I continue to self medicate and somehow make myself believe that things will get better by doing so?  What I want is to somehow turn into that girl that every guy wants and every girl wants to be friends with.  I wanna be nice and happy.  I wanna dress good all the time.  I wanna work out and actually enjoy doing it.  I want to enjoy every piece of my life, and learn from the bad parts.  But I was never like that and I don’t think I’m ever going to be like that.  So, what do I do now?  I have absolutely no idea..

wahh this made me cry